Communicative Infidelity

Infidelity:

Examining communicative infidelity and its affects on relationships

Katie Addler

University of Kentucky

Abstract

Communicative infidelity is the least researched and studied type of infidelity. This means there is still a lot of gray area surrounding this subject. Communicative infidelity or CI is defined, as “CI is any extra dyadic sexual activity intended in part to send a message to a former, current, or prospective romantic dyad partner’’’ (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007). Communicative infidelity is intended to hurt the other person in the relationship, which is different strategically than the other forms of infidelity. Someone engaging in communicative infidelity may feel by seeking attention from a third person, it will make the other person jealous or realizing something is wrong in the relationship. In turn he/she will become more affectionate or involved in the relationship. Although CI is a fairly new subject matter in dark side communication many researchers are attempting to shed some light on this topic.

Keywords: Communicative infidelity (CI), partner, research, relationship, dark side communication

Infidelity:

 Examining communicative infidelity and its affects on relationships

Relationships and infidelity go almost hand in hand in today’s culture. Cheating on your significant other percentages are higher than ever before. There are many reasons for this phenomenon; most revolve around a more loose, accepting society. In general people’s morals have changed in recent generations. Infidelity has a variety of forms: sexual, emotional, physical and communicative. However communicative infidelity is what I will be going to be focusing on. The problem with communicative infidelity is that it is a relatively new area of study; this type of infidelity is understudied. As well as, is still in the beginning process of being understood in terms of why people are unfaithful in this way. Communicative infidelity or CI is defined, as “CI is any extra dyadic sexual activity intended in part to send a message to a former, current, or prospective romantic dyad partner’’’ (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2007). Communicative infidelity is intended to hurt the other person in the relationship, which is different strategically than the other forms of infidelity.

Literature Review

            Communicative Infidelity is an area of dark side communication that is understudied in very sense of the word. Many researchers are attempting to change this. In recent years a much-needed light has started to shine down on this topic. There has been a lot of focus on what drives someone to cheat on his/her partner. Although this is very hard to pinpoint, we need to understand why before we can learn more about infidelity and the effects it has on a relationship. There is also research being done that poses the question of if different culture handle infidelity situation and it’s effects on relationships. Infidelity and jealousy play a major role in relationships in today’s world. These are both major dark side issues that need more research, but until then we will have to work with what we have. For more information on infidelity and jealous check out http://layneandfriends.blogspot.com/.

Relational Transgressions

            Every kind of relationship has some chance to turn into an unfaithful one. According to researchers Dillow, Malachowski, Brann, and Weber, “Even the strongest romantic relationships can be compromised when relational transgressions occur. Transgressions are violations of the implicit or explicit norms and rules of a relationship, and they vary widely from relatively minor to more severe violations” (2011). In short, these researchers claim that transgressions can lead to infidelity by one partner or another and that infidelity is it’s own separate type of transgression. Some examples of transgressions would be being disrespectful or hurtful towards your partner, ignoring your partner, physically hurting your partner, etc. “Infidelity is often characterized as an emotional involvement (exchanging psychological affect, such as love) and or sexual engagement (exchanging physically affectionate behaviors, including but not limited to intercourse)” (Dillow, Malachowski, Brann, & Weber 2011). Infidelity brings another person or a group of people into your two-person dynamic, which can often cause so much turmoil that it, will end the relationship. This third person is viewed as a rival. However some relationships can get past the infidelity and return to the same state as before the transgression occurred. Forgiving the other person is a main key to remaining in the relationship. It gives the relationship a release of resentment and tension. After that has occurred a relationship can get back to what it was before or something similar to what is was before.

Infidelity

            “Researchers have cited marital infidelity as one of the most common, emotionally explosive, hurtful, and relationship-crippling events for a couple to experience” (Thorson 2009). Infidelity is a very serious and large dark side topic. Not only are there different types of infidelity, but also there are different levels of each sub-infidelity. Sharing intimate secrets with someone else, holding hands, spending time, kissing, etc are all different kinds of infidelity. Many relationships have ended because of one partner being unfaithful and in today’s society that number is growing at an insanely high rate. Communicative Infidelity is exceptionally different than the other types of infidelity. Researchers Spitz and Tafoya said that communicative infidelity “was coined to describe extra dyadic sexual activity that is intended to send a message to a primary partner. It was hypothesized that jealousy, socio-sexuality, and vengefulness would be positively related to approval of communicative infidelity across a variety of scenarios” (2005). This type of infidelity serves to hurt the other person. Someone’s intention is to violate the personal boundaries of the relationship. This can happen sexually, emotionally and physically. This type of infidelity includes sharing time together, holding hands, kissing, intimate conversion, etc. The key with this type of infidelity is that there is malicious intent behind the person’s actions. Someone engaging in communicative infidelity may feel by seeking attention from a third person, it will make the other person jealous or realizing something is wrong in the relationship. In turn he/she will become more affectionate or involved in the relationship. This effect is an attempt to keep the relationship together. He/she will pay more attention to their significant other in hopes he/she will spend less time with the third person.

Research on Forgiveness

Communicative infidelity is a fairly new topic in dark side communication. However, researchers Dillow, Malachowski, Braun and Weber are attempting to shed some much-needed light on this topic. They aim to understand the underlying messages that the unfaithful are sending to their partners. By understanding why they can better understand the effects of infidelity on a relationship. The researchers formed a study and asked the participants to answer questions about investment, satisfaction, quality of alternatives, etc, then asked them to comment on 1 of 5 different scenarios, lastly they were asked to fill out assessments of forgiveness and continuance decisions. One interesting thing the researchers noticed was that individuals involved in relationships with greater satisfaction, high investments, and low alternatives are more likely to try to repair the relationship. “Motivation to maintain the relationship influenced both accounts and attributions as participants interested in maintaining the relationship felt more guilty and more blameworthy for their actions and presented kinder verbal responses” (Mogeau & Schulz). The researchers along with Dillow, Malachowski, Brann and Weber came to the conclusion that relationship decisions, whether to stay in a relationship or not, are made because of a partner’s transgressions. As well as “perceived partner uniqueness”, which helps predict how a partner will react to the news of infidelity.

Infidelity and Culture

            Researchers are also attempting to see if there is a link between communicative infidelity and reactions to these types of infidelity and culture. One particular example is between the United States and China. Researchers Zhang, Ting-Toomey, Dorjee, and Lee examined how dating partners respond to unfaithful situations in both the United States and China. “The current study is designed to explore theoretically derived explanations regarding difference between American culture and Chinese culture in people’s behavioral responses to emotional infidelity” (Zhang, Ting-Toomey, Dorjee, and Lee 2012). Chinese culture is typical characterized as collectivistic. The study showed that Chinese participants were less likely to voice anger responses than American participants. These researchers found many differences between these two cultures and their responses to situations involving infidelity. However they also found that both tend to utilize integrative voice responses to a high degree. “In a random sample of 3,432 American individuals, Laumann and colleagues (1994) reported that 77% of participants believed that extramarital sex is always wrong” (Tsapelas, Fisher, and Aron 2007). This statistic shows that even through Americans are more collective as a culture, Americans still know infidelity is wrong.

Practical Advice

            Some practical advice for someone involved in an infidelity situation should understand that there is not one size fits all answer. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding what to do after a partner was unfaithful. Can you forgive that person and move on? That is a question you and only you can decide. Is the relationship worth-saving? This is another major question that you have to answer. One piece of advice is to answer these questions based on the facts, not other people’s opinions. Another piece of advice is to make sure both parties are willing to work on the relationship. Both sides have to be able to rebuild the trust that was destroyed by one partner being unfaithful. One person cannot make it work again all by his or her self. A piece of advice for the person who was cheated on is to make sure you do not hold the anger and hurt of the infidelity inside. This can cause a spin off into self-pity, resentment and pity. You have with cope with disappointment and decide what the relationships future is. To find more advice about infidelity go to http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/common/infidelity.htm.

References

Dillow, M. R., Malachowski, C. C., Brann, M., & Weber, K. D. (2011). An Experimental Examination of the Effects of Communicative Infidelity Motives on Communication and Relational Outcomes in Romantic Relationships. Western Journal Of Communication, 75(5), 473-499. doi:10.1080/10570314.2011.588986

Mongeau, P. A., & Schulz, B. E. (1997). What He Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Him (or Me): Verbal Responses and Attributions Following Sexual Infidelity. Communication Reports, 10(2), 143-152.

Spitzberg, B., & Tafoya, M. (2005). Explorations In Communicative Infidelity: Jealousy, Sociosexuality, And Vengefulness. Conference Papers -- International Communication Association, 1-41.

Thorson, A. R. (2009). Adult Children's Experiences with their Parent's Infidelity: Communicative Protection and Access Rules in the Absence of Divorce. Communication Studies, 60(1), 32-48. Doi:10.1080/10510970802623591

Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H., Aron, A. (2007). Infidelity: When Where Why. In Spitzberg, B.H. & Cupach, W.R. (Eds.). The Darkside of Interpersonal Communication (2^nd edition) (pg 175-189). Routledge.

Zhang, R., Ting-Toomey, S., Dorjee, T., & Lee, P. S. (2012). Culture and self-construal as predictors of relational responses to emotional infidelity: China and the United States. Chinese Journal Of Communication, 5(2), 137-159. doi:10.1080/17544750.2012.664438