Negative and Positive Effects of Infidelity

Infidelity:

Negative and Positive Effects of Infidelity

Shequeta Gipson

University of Kentucky

Abstract

What leads to infidelity? Why would someone enter a committed relationship if they know that they are going to cheat? Some people enter relationships with all the intentions to be committed, but sometimes the unexpected happens. Many people betray their romantic partner for many different reasons, some do it from a positive perspective and some do it from a negative perspective. Although, the reasons may vary from person to person, mostly everyone come up with the same reasons as to why they cheat. The five research studies that I looked at all examined the negative and positive effects of infidelity. This may sound weird to many people because when people think of infidelity they automatically think of negativity, but after looking at the many different articles I learned that infidelity can also be positive and strengthen your relationship. Some common themes that appeared while reading the articles were precursors of infidelity and the after effect of infidelity.

Key words: infidelity, positive, negative, precursors, commitment

Literature Review

Introduction

            Why do people cheat? I, myself have asked this question a million times and I’m pretty sure many others have asked themselves this question as well. After reading a few articles and doing some research I am happy to say that I was able to enlighten myself as to why people cheat and would like to share some of these reasons with you throughout my paper. Did you know that “34 percent of men and 19 percent of women report engaging in extramarital sex at some point in their lives” (Allen, Rhoades, Stanly, Markman, Williams, Melton, & Clements, 2008, p.243)? This may sound shocking because it’s such a high number, but being realistic with myself I thought this number would be higher.

            The stage you go through before committing to a romantic relationship is dating. The purpose of dating is to figure out what type of people you like and enjoy hanging around and don’t. You may date multiple partners before you find the perfect match for yourself, but that is perfectly fine because dating is just like test driving. Before you buy a car you don’t  just test drive one car and say that is the perfect match for you, you test drive multiple cars and afterwards decide which car is best for you. In relation to romantic relationships after dating a few people, people begin to figure out themselves and are able to determine what they like. After they determine what type of people they enjoy hanging around and relating to they begin to form a romantic relationship. The question that rises is why do people choose to cheat, once they have found the perfect match for themselves? Allen et al., (2008) listed many premarital precursors of marital infidelity, which were: age, religiosity, attitudes toward infidelity, personality, and mental health. I understood how all of these precursors could lead to infidelity, but according to Afifi, Caughlin, & Afifi, (2007), “ a relationship should be built upon openness, intimacy, and disclosure” (p.67). If people feel that they are not strong enough to begin a new relationship than they should enjoy the dating phase.

Negative Effects

            In the study conducted by Allen et al., (2008) they evaluated a sample of 72 couples and did a longitudinal study to find out some precursors of infidelity. The results indicated that males who engaged in infidelity most likely did it because they were premature, had low male satisfaction, low positive communication, and higher female invalidation. On the other hand the study showed that females who engaged in infidelity most likely did it because like males, they were also premature, had high levels of negative communication with their spouse, and high levels of male invalidation. The study showed that both males and females cheat because of temptation, interest in alternate partners, to build self esteem and seek revenge. Allen et al., (2008) predicted that individuals who engaged in infidelity would have more mental health problems and lower religiosity, and greater relationship stress. All of these are factors that lead to infidelity, but are perceived to get worst after infidelity occurs. One interesting finding in the study was that couples reported that the top two reasons as to why they cheat were because of money and children. This was really shocking to me because when couples, who have children engage in infidelity they may not think at the time, but they also have a negative effect on their children.

            Thorson (2009) conducted a study to discover how children deal with parental infidelity. Many parents are aware that going through a divorce or engaging in infidelity can damage the relationships they have with their children in a very bad way so many decide to keep the situation a secret from their children. Keeping a family secret as significant as infidelity can harm your child in many ways. The results in the study indicated that when children find out about their parents affairs they experience dissolution, confusion, and discomfort. As a soon to be parent, I know that parents don’t intend to hurt their children in any form or fashion so it is important that when couples, who have children engage in infidelity think twice about what they are doing. Many parents think they can get away with keeping infidelity a secret from their children, but this isn’t healthy. Afifi et al., (2007) stated: “some reasons why people hold information from others is because individuals sometimes feel that the issue is trivial and want to prevent unnecessary conflict and hurt, because some disclosures may also simply be inappropriate for certain situations” (p.66). I agree with this quote, but on the other hand I disagree, because sometimes the outcome of keeping secrets and avoiding can have a more negative effect on the relationship you have with the person if the secret it reveled later rather than sooner. You never know how your spouse or child will deal with betrayal.

             Hadden & Hojjet (2006) conducted a study to examine how young adults deal with betrayal. According to the study some negative emotions that can start to appear when you have found out about infidelity can include anger, sadness, disappointment, and a loss of self esteem. Everyone deals with facing infidelity differently, but the reason why people show aggressive behavior when they become aware of infidelity is because they feel betrayed. It hurts so much because infidelity is always most of the time unexpected and sends you a signal that your spouse or significant other, whom you trust did not value your relationship. According to Hadden et al., (2006) “responses to betrayal may depend on a variety of factors such as the context in which the betrayal occurs and the characteristics of the individuals involved” (p.102). Some individuals may demand an explanation from their partner than decide to forgive them, or some may show aggressive behavior towards the victim, which is expected because of all the hurt and pain they are experiencing. Betrayal can be really harmful and lead to physical actions known as dating violence, but on the other hand betrayal can also be used to maintain your relationship. 

Positive Effects

            Who thinks of infidelity as being positive? Nine times out of ten if you have a significant other and they engage in infidelity you are going to be really hurt. Dainton and Gross (2008)  conducted a study to examine negative behaviors used to maintain a relationship. The study told us that when individuals feel under benefited or not wanted they engage in negative behaviors. Negative behaviors that were found throughout the study were jealousy, avoidance, spying, infidelity, destructive conflict and control. I enjoyed looking at this study because sometimes when I don’t feel wanted in my relationship I engage in some of these negative behaviors as well.    

Practical Advice

            So if you want to keep your relationship after you have experienced a case of infidelity what should you do? According to Fife, Weeks, and Gambescia (2008) “treatment includes five interrelated phases: crisis management and assessment, systemic considerations, considerations, facilitating forgiveness, treating factors that contribute to infidelity, and promoting intimacy through communication” (p. 101). Everyone deals with infidelity differently, but research studies show us that there is not a specific time frame to get over infidelity, it may take years for some and six months for others.  Another thing that can help you heal is if your partner and you go to therapy. Therapy is a great result in trying to work out your relationship after infidelity has been committed  because it allows you and your partner to discuss you alls problems and you have a therapist to facilitate you all. For more information on negative and positive effects of infidelity you can visit http://layneandfriends.blogspot.com/ or http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-infidelity.html.

 References

Addler, K., Dean, T., Gipson, S., Jaudon, E., McCarty L., Prater, E., & Rembrandt, C. (2013).     Plenty of infidelity. Retrieved from http://layneandfriends.blogspot.com/

Allen, E. S., Rhoades, G. K., Stanly, S. M., Markman, H. J., Williams, T., Melton, J. &    Clements, M. L. (2008), Premarital Precursors of Marital Infidelity. Family Process, 47: 243–259. doi: 10.1111/j.1545-5300.2008.00251.x

Dainton, M., & Gross, J. (2008). The Use of Negative Behaviors to Maintain Relationships.        Communication Research Reports, 25(3), 179-191. doi:10.1080/08824090802237600

Fife, S. T., Weeks, G. R., & Gambescia, N. (2008). Treating Infidelity: Considering Narratives of Attachment. Family Journal, 16(4), 293-299.

Haden, S. C., & Hojjat, M. (2006). Aggressive responses to betrayal: Type of relationship,          victim's sex, and nature of aggression. Journal Of Social & Personal Relationships, 23(1), 101-116. doi:10.1177/0265407506060181

Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (Eds.) (2007). The dark side of interpersonal communication.

(2^nd edition). Routledge.

Thorson, A. R. (2009). Adult Children's Experiences with their Parent's Infidelity:            Communicative Protection and Access Rules in the Absence of Divorce. Communication Studies, 60(1), 32-48. doi:10.1080/10510970802623591

Vince, D. (2007). Infidelity/ affair recovery. Retrieved fromhttp://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-

            for-infidelity.html.