Gender Differences of Infidelity

 Gender Differences In Infidelity: His and Hers Infidelity

Ellen Jaudon

University of Kentucky

Abstract

According to Boğda, D., & Şendil, G. (2012), infidelity is “A secret sexual, romantic, or emotional involvement that violates the commitment to an exclusive relationship”. This definition simplifies infidelity into such a simple idea. According to Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H. E., & Aron, A. (2011), infidelity occurs in over 20 percent of relationships and for many different reasons (p. 175). There are different forms of infidelity that can be committed and these different forms often occur based on gender. This research paper will look at the differences between sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity as well as the different reasons each gender has for committing infidelity. Gender plays a large role in infidelity and reasons for infidelity. This research paper will further delve into the issues of gender differences surrounding infidelity and explain the reasons for these differences.

            Key words: Infidelity, extradyadic sexual activity (ESA), gender.

Gender Differences in Infidelity: His and Hers Infidelity

            According to Fernandez, A., Vera-Villarroel, P., Sierra, J., & Zubeidat, I. (2007), 40 men compared to 20 women prefer a sexual encounter rather than a deep emotional attachment (p. 21). This shows that at a ration of 2:1 men prefer sexual infidelity rather than emotional infidelity. There are staggering statistics that prove men and women commit infidelity for different reasons. Physical and emotional connections serve different needs for each gender. According to Tafoya, M. A., Spitzberg B. H. (2011), it is generally thought that everyone disapproves of infidelity, but many people believe that everyone indulges with infidelity. This is because people view their partner’s infidelities with less tolerance than their own (p. 201). Whatever the reason for one’s infidelity, or extradyadic sexual activity (ESA), it results in negative outcomes such as relational distress, conflict, feelings of shame, rage, depression, and many more (p. 202).

Literature Review

Reasons for Female Infidelity

            There are many reasons why a woman might choose to commit infidelity. According to Tsapelas et al. (2011), “women tend to have a greater emotional connection intimacy and self-esteem motivations for infidelity” (p. 181). Because women are often times more sensitive and emotional they become more apt to infidelity. When women find that their male partners have cheated they can feel betrayed. This betrayal and jealousy often times can lead to retribution in the form of infidelity. According to Tafoya et al. (2011), “getting back at a partner is identified as motive or justification underlying small but robust percentages of infidelity” (p. 230).

            Women, being the emotional creatures that they are, are more sensitive to men committing emotional infidelity because it leads most women feeling betrayed.

            Another reason why women are likely to commit infidelity would be for their feelings towards their marriage. According to Tsapelas et a. (2011), only 34 percent of women engaging in infidelity rate their marriage as ‘happy’ or ‘very happy’ (p. 184). This statistic supports the thought that women are unfaithful when they are unhappy with their marriage. Being unhappy with a marriage is a typical reason for a woman to be unfaithful because according to Andrews et al. (2008), it has been found that “Women appear to have psychological mechanisms that enhance their likelihood of engaging in an EPC (extrapair copulation) during the fertile time of the menstrual cycle” (p. 348). When many of these reasons fall into align it is understandable why women make the decision to indulge in infidelity.

            According to Buunk, B. P., & Dijkstra, P. (2004), men “have the problem of uncertainty with regard to the paternity of their offspring. When their partner is sexually unfaithful, men … may have, unknowingly, invested heavily in another man’s offspring without passing on their own genes” This means that men invest their time with a woman and biologically expect to have invested their time with their offspring. This leads men to be possessive in relationships. For this reason, women can look for an escape and commit infidelity. According to Tafoya et al., “the probability that a woman will have an affair increases when her husband is jealous and possessive” (p. 222). In this case the woman would feel the need to rebel against the control of the husband and pursue another partner.

Reasons for Male Infidelity

            It is not only women who cheat on their spouses. In fact, it is not uncommon for men to commit infidelity. According to Andrews, P. W., Gangestad, S. W., Miller, G. F., Haselton, M. G., Thornhill, R., & Neale, M. C. (2008), “men across cultures tend to express more interest than women in sex…” (p. 348). This is the first element in understanding why men are unfaithful. There are questions why men to find sex more appealing than women and it may be a biological concept. According to Tsapelas et al. (2011), “Men carry the 334 allele…. indicating fewer feelings of attachment to their spouse” (p. 185). With fewer feelings of attachment it is easy to understand why men fall to infidelity more often than women do.

            With all of these studies it’s hard to believe that men have so many reasons to cheat on their partners and that most men must cheat on their girlfriend rather than wife. According to Brand, R., Markey, C., Mills, A., & Hodges, S. (2007), “these sex differences appear regardless of the type of primary relationship (married or dating) and whether infidelity is measured in terms of what individuals “want to” do or “have” done”. This means that regardless if a man is married or single his thoughts of infidelity are consistent.

            Dissatisfaction with a relationship can lead to infidelity for men. According to Rotenberg, K. J., Shewchuk, V. A., & Kimberley, T (2001),  “loneliness has been conceptualized primarily as an individual’s dissatisfaction with his social relationships and accompanying negative emotional experiences” (p. 56). With dissatisfaction and loneliness men seek out attention from other places. This is a direct connection to men committing infidelity.

Reactions to Infidelity

            Both men and women have reactions to finding their partners committing infidelity. Women are more likely to become upset with men engaging in emotional infidelity. According to Tafoya et al. (2011), “emotional infidelity is defined as a diversion of resources such as time investment, attention, emotional support, and love” (p. 203).  According to Tsapelas et al. (2011), women become upset with their partners committing emotional infidelity because  “women tend to have a greater emotional connection intimacy and self-esteem motivations for infidelity” (p. 181). Women, being the emotional creatures that they are, are more sensitive to men committing emotional infidelity because it leads most women feeling betrayed. Because women understand emotional infidelity there is a stronger emotion of hurt feelings when their partners commit emotional infidelity. This betrayal could in turn lead to revenge and cause more infidelity, but that is dependent of the personality of the partner.

            On the other hand it makes sense that men become discouraged when women become physically and sexually involved with another partner because men value physical relationships more than emotional relationship. According to Tsapelas et al. (2001), “men have a stronger desire to engage in sexual infidelity and are more likely to engage in sexual infidelity” (p. 180). This explains that men would be hurt more if women committed sexual infidelity because that is what they value more so than emotional infidelity.

Life Stages Related to Infidelity

            There are a few stages in life that are deemed red flag periods with increases in infidelity rates. One of the first time periods, surprisingly, occurs during pregnancy. According to Pincott, J. (2011), “the risk of a given man to cheat on his wife increases during pregnancy, even if he is otherwise satisfied in his marriage” (p. 1). The article continues that the reason for this could be the result of a lack of a sex drive between the partners. This shows that infidelity rates increase in the average age of pregnancy. When a couple enters a time period with frequent pregnancies there is a high chance of infidelity to occur.

            Another occurrence when infidelity rates increase happens when both men and women travel without his or her partner. By putting miles between partner “A” and partner “B” there is a smaller chance of getting caught while committing infidelity. This makes sense because the distance between the partners leads to more freedom and the possibility of secrecy. In an article in Forbes Magazine (2012), Dr. Michael Santo, the Founder and CEO of Rembrandt Advantage, a company focused on physiological testing stated, “a cheater is going to cheat… this is just easier to do in a business travel environment” (p. 1). When someone has the freedom to commit infidelity there is a high chance of infidelity occurring. This is why when a partner begins to travel for work or leisure infidelity opportunities increase. It is generalized that men travel for business more often than women, but it is found that both genders commit infidelity for this reason.

            While there are many differences between the genders when it comes to infidelity there are distinct patterns. When one is unhappy in his or her relationship infidelity is far more likely than if one is happy in the relationship. Jealousy can spur on acts of infidelity as well. To minimize these opportunities communication between partners is key. With strong communication between couples comes understanding and happiness. While infidelity is a natural act for some people communication can clear the air and minimize the likeliness of infidelity.

Advice

             Infidelity surrounds us in the media and in some cases our personal lives. After research it is evident that to minimize the chances of infidelity happiness and communication is key. To learn more click here. By communicating with your partner there is a healthy level of openness that allows both partners to hear and be heard. By communicating partner are able to achieve a level of trust and minimize the chances of cheating and infidelity.

            Another bit of advice I would like to point out is that if your partner cheats on you it isn’t directly your fault or your partner’s fault. Sometimes there isn’t always black and white when it comes to infidelity. It has been proven that men have an allele that contributes to smaller feelings of affection.  At the same time women have been known to cheat when they are dissatisfied with their relationship. If there is dissatisfaction with a relationship both partners are to blame because that often occurs due to lack of communication.

            In all I would suggest that communicating and doing fun things with your partner can go a long way in contributing to a healthy and infidelity free relationship. For more advice, check out this healthy relationship blog.

References

Andrews, P. W., Gangestad, S. W., Miller, G. F., Haselton, M. G., Thornhill, R., & Neale, M. C. (2008). Sex Differences in Detecting Sexual Infidelity. Human Nature, 19(4), 347-373. doi:10.1007/s12110-008-9051-3

Boğda, D., & Şendil, G. (2012). Investigating Infidelity Tendency and Conflict Management Based on Attachment Styles and Gender. Electronic Journal Of Social Sciences, 11(40), 205-219.

Brand, R., Markey, C., Mills, A., & Hodges, S. (2007). Sex Differences in Self-reported Infidelity and its Correlates. Sex Roles, 57(1/2), 101-109. doi:10.1007/s11199-007-9221-5

Fernandez, A., Vera-Villarroel, P., Sierra, J., & Zubeidat, I. (2007). Distress in Response to Emotional and Sexual Infidelity: Evidence of Evolved Gender Differences in Spanish Students. Journal Of Psychology, 141(1), 17-24.

Forbes (2012). Business Travelers Gone Wild: Does Business Travel Lead to Divorce and Alcoholism? Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/reuvencohen/2012/08/23/ does-business-travel-lead-to-divorce-and-alcoholism/

Pincott, J. (2011). Are Men Likelier to Cheat When Their Wives are Pregnant? Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-sex-and-babies/201106/are-men-likelier-cheat-when-their-wives-are-pregnant

Rotenberg, K. J., Shewchuk, V. A., & Kimberley, T (2001). Loneliness, Sex, Romantic Jealousy, and Powerlessness. SAGE.

Tafoya, M. A., Spitzberg B. H. (2011). The Dark Side of Infidelity: Its Nature, Prevalence, and Communicative Functions. In Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (Eds.). (2^nd ed). (p. 201-242). New York, NY: Routledge.

Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H. E., & Aron, A. (2011). Infidelity: When, Where, Why.  In Cupach, W. R., & Spitzberg, B. H. (Eds.). The Dark Side of Close Relationships II. (p. 175-195). New York, NY: Routledge.