Sexual Infidelity

Sexual Infidelity

Layne McCarty

University of Kentucky

Abstract

     This paper discusses findings on sexual infidelity with people in romantic relationships as well as factors that are found to be present when sexual infidelity is involved. Findings suggest that there are gender differences in suspicion of infidelity of their partner. Further we can see how certain actions of infidelity in relation to amount of prior knowledge the opposite partner has about the situation can lead to different levels of disclosure and sharing details of the transgression from the offending partner. Findings indicate also that revenge infidelity is often brought upon the relationship more often due to retaliation for demeaning the exclusivity of the partnership rather than a reason brought along by a weak moment of instability.

Keywords: Sexual infidelity, factors, suspicion, revenge.

     Sexual infidelity is a topic that requires a bit of insight on human behavior. This, like many decisions we make, involves an example of dissonance on the behalf of the partner committing the act of extradyadic sexual activity (ESA). Dissonance describes the process of one of our beliefs, or actions, contradicting another. On one hand, the person has a belief that someone in a relationship should be faithful in order to preserve the union, while his or her actions of infidelity clearly violate the value of commitment. Tayofa and Spitzberg illustrate the irony by showing the contradiction saying, “ Everyone disapproves of it, and yet everyone is doing it,” (Tafoya & Spitzberg, 2011, p.201).

      This idea of sexual infidelity can be found not only by observing those immediately close to us, but the sentiment is also mirrored in other cultures. A study by Zhang et al. (2006) found that 70% of males and 60% of females in China have a view that extramarital sex was “completely unacceptable.” Considering data like this in addition to our own beliefs constructed by empirical knowledge, we can safely reason that the majority consensus places infidelity in an unfavorable light without much regard of cultural framing.

     In the case of infidelity in serious relationships, there have been findings that attempt to identify factors that are commonly found in instances of extradyadic sexual activity, as well as motivations for cheating or not cheating on a partner in a relationship. Whisman et al. (2007) examined predictors of infidelity in three types of variables designated as involved-partner, marital, and extradyadic.  Participants were extracted from the National Comorbity Survey, and out of those participants, 2,291 individuals indicated themselves as married.  The basis for determining infidelity was the response to a question inquiring how many sexual partners each participant had during the past 12 months.  Those who indicated more than one partner in that time period were designated as participating in infidelity. The prevalence of infidelity for that time period was found to be at 2.3 % (This low percentage of reported infidelity can also reflect the previous findings that   sexual infidelity is seen as unacceptable.)  Using these predictor variables, they logistically analyzed the results to find how certain variables like, religiosity, related to marriage dissatisfaction and infidelity. For example those individuals who indicated themselves as religious were less likely to commit an act of infidelity. Factors such as pregnancy were also found to be present consistently with those who reported acts of infidelity and feelings of marriage dissatisfaction.  

     In addition to the previous discussion concerning the identification of factors associated with infidelity, suspicion of infidelity is also a topic of interest.  Typically there are general stereotypes that men and women fall into about suspicion, such as the “crazy-girlfriend” who reads every text her significant other has ever sent.  Through research, gender differences have actually been shown to be present and significant in a few ways.   A study by Andrews et al. (2008) found that there is indeed a difference between sexes in regard to unresolved suspicion of sexual infidelity, which they referred to as extrapair copulation (EPC). This study found that men were more likely to make accurate inferences about their partner committing EPC. Men were also found to be less willing to leave their suspicions as unresolved. So through this we can see when suspicion of predictors can lead to the resolution, usually instigated by men. As for admitting to sexual infidelity, the transgressors are more likely to share the information with their partners if they had found out some information on their own, while those partners who knew little about the transgression are usually not told intimate details (Mongeau & Shulz, 1997).

      So what happens if the suspicion leads to the revelation of an act of sexual infidelity? Talking about or being suspicious of sexual infidelity is one thing, but another entirely is to analyze the emotional and physical reactions that can take place. As an effect of sexual infidelity, some may find that it is justified that if an act of sexual infidelity is committed against them, then they are within their entitled rights as being a part of a relationship to reciprocate the act of infidelity through revenge.  Mongeau and Hale suggest, “… revengeful infidelity isn’t necessarily a function of ‘weakness of the flesh’ but rather a lashing out at one’s partner for having weakened the relational bond,” (p.337). So the original violation of infidelity of one partner due to emotion or lust can be followed by a partner’s revenge solely for staining the relationship.

     From analyzing the studies that have been conducted, there are a few things that I have noticed that can cause concern or worry for those in relationships. This article should not be taken as a cautionary tale to prevent yourself from entering a romantic relationship.  While no relationship is completely guanranteed to stay free from the problem of sexual infidelity, there is some advice I can give on the subject.  Since you can not ultimately control the actions of a romantic partner, the key theme of this advice will be the building of your own personal character and maintaining the values of monogamy that you wish to continue with.

ADVICE

As cliché as it sounds, the most important thing is to “talk the talk and walk the walk.” The best course of action with any agreement that you wish to take seriously, is to clearly define boundaries and live through actions that support them.   It is important to communicate with your partner or potential partner on your feelings on infidelity. By setting your shared expectations you both can have a clear set of rules in terms of monogamy, and also consequences if an offence has been made (for example breaking up). Along with clearly communicating your expectations, and coming to an agreement with your partner, your actions following should exactly mirror those expressed values. By keeping your relational goals in mind, you can avoid situations or behaviors that could lead to sexual infidelity. Finally, this also means that if you are the offender then you need to be honest. If you value trust in your relationship, and you think your act of sexual infidelity is wrong, then that same value of trust should be honored by being honest with your partner. If you keep it a secret, then you are not being trustworthy.  Consistency with moral actions leads to a path that avoids immoral behavior.

     Secondly, if you are unhappy with the course of your relationship, then simply get out of the relationship.  If you are unhappy, what would lead you to believe that good things can come out of the relationship? If anything, these feelings might lead to behaviors or desires that could go against your own views on infidelity. Tsapelas, Fisher and Aron describe this situation by saying, “ A prominent factor associated with infidelity is the degree of satisfaction in one’s primary, committed relationship.”(p. 177). If you are not truly committed 100%, then why bother?

     Finally, two wrongs do not make a right. In the unfortunate circumstance that an act of sexual infidelity has been committed against you, I urge that you restrain your desire for revenge. If you are mad at your partner for committing the act, then doing the same exact act does not make you any better. To react with the exact same hurtful action is like following the strategy of an immature child in a classic debate of, “I know you are, but what am I?” By realizing that sexual infidelity is wrong in the first place, you can realize that retaliating with it is not helpful.

     For more information on the subject please feel free to visit:

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/infidelity.php

or

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/15/cheating-study-men-sex-women-love_n_963872.html

References

Andrews, P. W., Gangestad, S. W., Miller, G. F., Haselton, M. G., Thornhill, R., & Neale, M. C. (2008). Sex differences in detecting sexual infidelity. Human Nature, 19(4), 347-373. Retrieved on 27 March 2013 from http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uky.edu/ehost/detail?sid=f5d3c894-fc59-450b-9516-86c846c8cf6d@sessionmgr13&vid=1&hid=28&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZSZzY29wZT1zaXRl

Mongeau, P. A., & Hale, J. L. (1994). An experimental investigation of accounts and attributions following sexual infidelity. Communication Monographs, 61(4), 326. Retrieved on 27 March 2013 from http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uky.edu/ehost/detail?sid=eb70dc32-1542-4c8f-9047-e81a04b937ed@sessionmgr11&vid=1&hid=28&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZSZzY29wZT1zaXRl

Mongeau, P. A., & Shulz, B. E. (1997). What he doesn't know won't hurt him (or me): Verbal responses and attributions following sexual infidelity . Communication Reports, 10(2), 143-152. Retrieved on 27 March 2013 from http://uky.worldcat.org/title/what-he-doesnt-know-wont-hurt-him-or-me-verbal-responses-and-attributions-following-sexual-infidelity/oclc/201043140&referer=brief_result

Tafoya, A.M., Spitzberg, B.H. (2011). The dark side of infidelity: Its nature, prevalence, and communicative functions. In B.H. Spitzberg & W. Cupach (Eds.), The dark side of interpersonal communication (p.201). New York: Routledge.

Tsapelas, I., Fisher, H.E., Aron, A., (2011). Infidelity: When, where, why. In W. Cupach & B.H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships II (p. 177). New York: Routledge.

Whisman, M. A., Gordon, K. C., & Chatav, Y. (2007). Predicting sexual infidelity in a population-based sample of married individuals. Journal of family psychology, 21(2), 320-324. Retrieved on 27 March 2013 from http://uky.worldcat.org/title/predicting-sexual-infidelity-in-a-population-based-sample-of-married-individuals/oclc/152284694&referer=brief_results

Zhang, N., Parish, W. L., Huang, Y., & Pan, S. (2012). Sexual infidelity in china: Prevalence and gender-specific correlates. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(4), 861-873. Retrieved on 27 March 28 2013 from http://uky.worldcat.org/title/sexual-infidelity-in-china-prevalence-and-gender-specific-correlates/oclc/799895601&referer=brief_results

Hyperlinks

http://www.sexualrecovery.com/infidelity.php

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/15/cheating-study-men-sex-women-love_n_963872.html