Emotional Infidelity

Emotional Infidelity

Erin Prater

University of Kentucky

Abstract

This paper examines the issue of emotional infidelity and the role of gender. The articles used as support for this translational paper explore the causes of emotional infidelity and the responses of men and women to the different types of infidelity. Two of the articles also provide a look into other variables, such as jealousy, that effect the participants’ response to which type of infidelity is more upsetting to men versus women. All articles were in agreement that both men and women responded with more anger towards sexual infidelity, but women reported feeling more hurt from emotional infidelity while men viewed sexual  infidelity as more hurtful.

Keywords: emotional infidelity, sexual infidelity, jealousy, gender

Emotional Infidelity

The articles found about emotional infidelity all agree that men tend to be more jealous over sexual infidelity, whereas women are more jealous over emotional infidelity (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). This finding seems to be accurate considering men tend to be more physical beings while women are more emotional. Women want security and stability from a relationship, whereas men are typically looking for fun and interesting relationships. Men are also more likely to have sexual affairs, and women are more likely than men to have emotional affairs. Could the reason for women being more jealous of emotional infidelity and men being more jealous over sexual infidelity be because that is the affair they would have if they were to commit infidelity? In women’s minds emotional infidelity is more threatening because it puts their way of life in danger, and for men, they are more threatened by sexual infidelity because it threatens the passing of their genes to their offspring (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007).

Evolutionary theorists first study explains why men are more upset over sexual infidelity, while women are more upset over emotional infidelity. Their results go back to the parental investment theory. This framework says that men view sexual infidelity as a threat to their paternal investment. The woman is guaranteed genetic relatedness to their offspring, but if a man’s partner commits sexual infidelity it increases the risk of paternal uncertainty (Treger & Sprecher, 2011). The fear of not passing on the father’s genes creates more jealousy and anger when threatened by sexual infidelity, but for women who will be passing on their genetic material, the threat is when there is emotional infidelity. If a woman’s partner is putting time, affection, and his resources into another relationship it threatens the security and stability that was once provided to them. While women are pregnant they need to have access to the resources their husbands provide to keep themselves and the child healthy and thriving, it is not good for the pregnant women if their mates are willing to invest their resources into another woman and her offspring.

Research today has come across findings that are more modern than the parental investment theory. However, results of research support the hypothesis that particular infidelity types, which resemble adaptive problems that human beings faced in the past, contribute to the psychology of jealousy in mates today (Fernandez, Vera-Villarroel, Sierra, & Zubeidat, 2007). Several studies involving jealousy require participants to answer hypothetical questions referring to infidelity and with whom the infidelity takes place. All of the studies say men are more angered by sexual infidelity and women are more hurt by emotional infidelity. In a study by Jonathan Bassett participants were asked to rate their feelings on infidelity, both sexual and emotional, when it occurred with a person of the same race versus a person of a different race. The study only showed a difference in white males, high on social dominance, emotions toward infidelity with a person of a different race (Bassett, 2005). The study did have limitations. The participants were able to recognize the experiment was assessing the impact of race and may have reported feeling more distress had societal factors not played into their answer.

New studies have also supported the fact that there are many other factors that lead to how a person reacts to infidelity. Results from research done by Vaughn Becker showed responses to infidelity are unique to jealousy (Vaughn Becker, Sagarin, Guadagno, Millevoi & Niscastle, 2004). Jealousy in men is more evoked by a rival’s status-related characteristics , whereas women are more jealous over a rival’s physical attractiveness (Buunk & Dijkstra, 2004). Men and women view their partner sharing with another, either sexually or emotionally, as a threat to their status. People who interest a mate’s partner are viewed as competitors. They signify the potential loss of the relationship while also threatening ones self-esteem (Basset, 2005). If a partner were to choose to commit infidelity, the action would confirm a choice in a superior competitor, or partner. Many factors, like jealousy and the condition of the relationship before the infidelity, influence one’s reaction or response to infidelity. When participants of the study were asked their opinion on same-sex emotional or sexual infidelity versus opposite-sex infidelity, both genders agreed that opposite-sex sexual infidelity was worse but said that same-sex emotional infidelity was worse.

As individuals people believe that their time and emotions should be put whole-heartedly into their monogamous relationship. When men or women are spending more time and effort on their same-sex friends it is seen as threatening to the partner who is losing bonding time, and influence over their partner. The partner is then needed less and is seen as secondary to the person committing emotional infidelity whether they realize it or not.

The articles found examining emotional and sexual infidelity all agree that it is not necessarily gender that effects which type of infidelity is worse, rather the individual attitudes about sex and emotion that effect which type of infidelity is most upsetting. There are gendered stereotypes about which infidelity is to be expected and which is worse. The studies found that people generally think men are more likely to have sex without emotional attachment but think men are less likely than women to form an emotional attachment in a platonic relationship. Therefore men are able to have emotionless sex while women cannot. These assumptions lead people to think that women committing sexual infidelity are also committing emotional infidelity  whereas a man’s emotional infidelity implies his sexual infidelity (Basset, 2005). The study states that it is not the infidelity alone but which type of infidelity implies the occurrence of the other. The responses of the participants were in agreement when saying that emotional or sexual infidelity is worse depending on the individual.

Translational Advice

Based on this research, my advice is to keep all lines of communication open with your partner. As long as there is meaningful and caring communication between the two of you it will make things much simpler to communicate feelings and thoughts and to avoid unnecessary doubt in your relationship. You do not want your partner to feel neglected or unappreciated. It may not be recognizable in the moment, but emotional infidelity can happen very easily without you realizing you are doing anything wrong. Visit these websites to see what may qualify as emotional infidelity and to answer commonly asked questions, www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200809/emotional-infidelity www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/dating-marriage/are-you-emotionally-cheating-101955.

Secondly, know when to stay in a relationship and know when to get out. Relationships are difficult to navigate at times, but you must recognize when the relationship is unhealthy. Coping after infidelity is one of the more difficult times to make the decision to stay with your partner or to leave them. It will depend heavily on the type of infidelity and the level of hurt, but if the costs of staying in your relationship outweigh the benefits; GET OUT! You do not want to constantly be worrying about your partner’s activities, and you deserve better.

Finally, whether you decide to stay in your relationship or you decide to get out you must learn from your relationships. You must forgive and carry-on. Take what you learned in that relationship and apply it to your next one. Pay attention to how you are communicating with your partner. Do not make them feel inadequate. Treat each other with respect and care. Make sure your partner knows you are committed to them and that you expect the same courtesy in return. Over all make sure you and your partner are happy in the relationship and both of you understand what is expected from each other. Click here to read more about infidelity and jealousy, and to learn what to do and not to do in your relationships.

References

Bassett, J. F. (2005). Sex differences in jealousy in response to a partner's imagined sexual or emotional infidelity with a same or different race other. North American Journal of Psychology, 7(1), 71-84.

Buunk, B. P., & Dijkstra, P. (2004). Gender differences in rival characteristics that evoke jealousy in response to emotional versus sexual infidelity. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 395-408. doi: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00089.x

Fernandez, A. M., Vera-Villarroel, P., Sierra, J. C., & Zubeidat, I. (2007). Distress in response to emotional and sexual infidelity: Evidence of evolved gender differences in spanish students. Journal of Psychology, 141(1), 17-24.

Formica J. Michael, M. (2008). Emotional infidelity. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200809/emotional-infidelity

Schipani, D. (2012). Are you emotionally cheating?. Retrieved from http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/dating-marriage/are-you-emotionally-cheating-101955

Spitzberg, B. H., & Cupach, W. R. (2007). The dark side of interpersonal communication. (2nd ed.). Mahwah: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Treger, S., & Sprecher, S. (2011). The influences of sociosexuality and attachment style on reactions to emotional versus sexual infidelity. Journal of Sex Research, 48(5), 413-422. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2010.516845

Vaughn Becker, D., Sagarin, B. J., Guadagno, R. E., Millevoi, A., & Niscastle, L. D. (2004). when the sexes need not differ: Emotional responses to the sexual and emotional aspects of infidelity. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 529-538. doi: 10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00096.x