Infidelity Leading to Jealousy

The Consequences of Infidelity: Jealousy

Catherine Rembrandt

University of Kentucky

Abstract

Despite the efforts to keep issues of infidelity hushed, it is still considered a hot topic throughout society today. Infidelity is plastered all over different forms of social media, secrets disclosed from friends, or experienced first-hand in our own relationships. There are many consequences due to the threats of infidelity that can damage a relationship, such as jealousy. Guerrero, Anderson, and Afifi (2011) explain that jealousy occurs in response to a real or imagined threat to a valued relationship. The following paper explores many peer-reviewed articles based on the topic of infidelity that leads to jealousy. Throughout this examination, many themes will shine light on the research that infidelity stirs up emotions that can lead to severe consequences.

Keywords: Infidelity, jealousy, communication, relationships

The Consequences of Infidelity: Jealousy

            What counts as infidelity? Is holding hands with someone else considered cheating? What about kissing someone else? Most people would believe that infidelity occurs when you have sex with someone else. How would you feel if your significant other had an emotional connection with someone else?

Literature Review

What counts as infidelity? Is holding hands with someone else considered cheating? What about kissing someone else? Most people would believe that infidelity occurs when you have sex with someone else. How would you feel if your significant other had an emotional connection with someone else?

In defining infidelity, perception is what matters most. Infidelity is very much prevalent in our everyday lives. According to Kinsey, Pomeroy, and Martin (1948), forty to sixty percent of marriages are marked by at least one incident of infidelity. Infidelity is extremely relationally damaging. In fact, one study found that when individuals rated the most painful or hurtful experiences that have or could happen to them, they reported that learning about their partner’s infidelity is the number one most hurtful thing (Schutzwhol, 2007).

So, if we know that infidelity is so harmful and hurtful. Why do people do it? To give some background on the reasons for infidelity, Buss (2000) analyzed scenarios and interviews behind individual rationales. He found that people often cheat due to relationship dissatisfaction, boredom, sexual incompatibility, and revenge. Often when people are dissatisfied with their relationships, they may look for an easy way out. Typically, once the cheaters are caught red-handed, the relationship is terminated quickly allowing them their freedom. Human are constantly in need for excitement or adventure. These “serial cheaters” get pleasure from the rush of sneaking around and or rebelling against relationship norms. Some people admitted that their established relationships were not fulfilling enough, that they had to seek out another person to fulfill those needs. Buss, Larsen, Western and Semmelroth (1992) explain that these are signals for existing problems in relationships that could lead one or both participants to participate in infidelity.

Jealousy occurs in response to a real or an imagined threat to a valued relationship (Buunk & Dijkstra, 2006). Buunk and Dijkstra (2006) clarify that jealousy is different from envy. They illustrate that envy is about resources whereas jealousy is about relationships. An example of jealousy is seen in the movie, Bridesmaids (2011), when the main character, Annie, is competing with another bridesmaid over who is the bride’s best friend. In this scene, Annie and this bridesmaid is having a toast face-off to show which of them is closer with the bride. Clearly both women in the bridal party are trying to protect their relationship with the bride because they each feel threatened by the other.

The irony of this feeling that people feel usually out of betrayal and grief is that there can be some good that comes from jealousy. Scholars, Buunk, Massar, and Dijkstra (2007), state that jealousy can show positive love and affection that shows the extent of how much someone cares for another. They refer to this as the paradox of jealousy. The paradox of jealousy shines light to two positive consequences of jealousy: (1) love and affection and (2) the realization of the value of the relationship. However, when describing a paradox, there are drawbacks to the concept. Two negative consequences of jealousy that [name of source] have noted are: (1) emotions and (2) destructive communication involving manipulation or controlling.

Further research has been conducted to study the sex differences when it comes to jealousy due to infidelity (Cupach & Spitzberg, 2011, p.261 ). The results determined that men are typically more jealous or upset by physical infidelity whereas women show jealousy and hurt by emotional infidelity. An easy way to remember these differences could be seen in a clip from the Friends episode, “The One with the Breast Milk” (1995).  In this episode, Rachel becomes jealous and hurt that Monica “cheated” on her with Julie but grabbing lunch and shopping at Bloomingdales. Rachel is distraught because she dislikes Julie and to top it, Monica participated in activities that she and Rachel do together. Another sex difference in infidelity and jealousy is the biological explanation(). DeSteno, Bartlett, Braveman, and Salovey (2002) believe that jealousy stems from the fact that men get want to restore provision. It is suggested that men are wrapped up in making sure that their resources are delegated to their biological children only (DeSteno et al., 2002). On the other hand, women are believed that their emotions from infidelity come from access to the food or shelter that men provide. If another mate threatens their relationship, they could lose those important resources.

Translational Advice

            Based on this research, my advice is to take time and evaluate your situation and your feelings. It was stated that jealousy is a response to a threat to a valued relationship (Kinsey et al., 1948). Clearly the relationship is of importance or you would not have the feelings of jealousy. Therefore, we cannot diminish our feelings of jealousy. Instead, we should learn how to turn our jealous feelings into productive and positive efforts instead of negative consequences that could terminate your relationship (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007, p. 268).

            When it comes to coping with the issue of infidelity, revenge, emotions, and destructive communication may seem the most appealing solution. However, if you wish to continue with your relationship, there are other ways to counter your feelings into healthy maintenance strategies to get your relationship back on track.

            One strategy is to avoid trying making sense out the infidelity. Rationalizing your partner’s cheating behavior or sympathizing with them is useless. It is important to solve problems within a relationship with the person in the relationship with you. Your partner should have not gone outside of the relationship to resolve any issues that you two have. It is not your fault that partner sought out other ways to handle their problems. Hence, it will only cause more stress and emotion to find meaning for their actions.

            Unfortunately the phrase “time heals all wounds” holds no truth. Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. That could mean focusing your attention on your favorite hobbies, hanging out with your friends, or being with your family. As long as you are redirecting your feelings into something healthy and positive, it will be beneficial to take some time away from the situation and take some time for yourself For more ways to on how to deal with a partner that cheats, click here.

            Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. If your situation is dangerous to your physical, mental, and emotional health, it would be best to terminate the relationship. This would give you opportunity to take care of yourself and get back to living life happily. Counseling is also available for those who wish to talk about deep and personal issues that are too troublesome to handle on their own.

            Finally, if your partner wants back into the relationship, make sure they understand that he or she will need to earn their way back in. Renegotiate the relationship in terms that work best for both of you. Compromising and sacrificing things in your relationship will be difficult but it will show the effort and importance of the relationship to your partner. This strategy shows your significant person you are serious and care about them enough to work out the wrinkles in the relationships. For some more helpful advice for moving forward after infidelity, click here.

References

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Buss, D. M., Larsen, R. J., Western, D., & Semmelroth, J. (1992). Sex differences in jealousy:

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Buunk, A. P., & Dijkstra, P. (2006). Temptation and threat: Extradyadic relations and jealousy.

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